A Beautiful Life

Tess, the struggle that plagued you has ended, the tempest is over.  You are finally free.  Free of the misery that you were forced to suffer.  I hope you take with you the sweet memories of the warm summer breeze on your face, the gentle kiss of your brother on your forehead at bedtime, your Mommy’s gentle embrace, and your Daddy’s undying love.  I loved you from the moment that you came into this world and I love you more with each passing day since you left.  I can only hope that you are now at peace, free to dream your sweet dreams while you sleep, and that you are able to be united with your oldest brother Emerson.

You gave us all so much in such a short period of time.  My mind is full of loving memories of the time you shared with us.  You shed your radiance and gave your love to everyone who cared for you; to anyone who had the privilege just to hold you.  Unfortunately, you were only meant to stay with us for a brief, shining moment in time.  You were a “human being that was given to fly.”  It seemed as though it was the night that brought you the most anguish and suffering.  It was at night when I would plead for our roles to be reversed; take me not her.  Countless times I wished that the night would never come, but it always did.  Now, it’s ironic that I have to beg the night for sleep just to dream of you.  I will forever be haunted by night.

You were forced to overcome so many odds from the moment you were born until the end of your beautiful life. So many times we thought the end was near, but you were a fighter, and kept finding the strength to survive. You never gave up hope on life.  However, in the end, I was powerless to save you.  I was not able to be the hero in your story, but I was able to witness your extraordinary courage with envy and awe.  You demonstrated more bravery in your short life than I have in a lifetime.  Buddha says “A child without courage is like a night without stars.”  He believed that at birth, children are instilled with an extraordinary amount of courage, which is many times lost over a lifetime of struggling to deal with the day to day “burdens of life.”  I fear that your passing may have overcome the last remaining fragments of my childhood spirit.

Now with you gone, nothing will ever be the same again.  The stars will never shine as brightly, the full moon will never be as radiant, and the sunlight will never feel quite as warm on my face as when you were with me.  My spirit is battered and my heart is fractured.  I look in the mirror and I am almost unrecognizable to myself.  I am adrift, mired in a fog of emotions and tears.  I feel as though I am a shadow of my former self.  It is as though my soul has been in hiding; barely surviving while waiting for the inevitable; your utterly tragic death.  Not only have I lost my beautiful daughter, but you lost the chance to live your life; A life now unrealized.  That is the true cause of my heartbreak and my rage.

But as I search for some solace, some semblance of sanity that I can draw from this past year of madness, I am beginning to realize that during your struggle you were sending me a message.  A message to never give up; to “not go gentle into that good night;” to persevere despite the “burdens of life” heaved upon us. You have shown me that love can truly conquer all things; even your death.  You have inspired me to try and recover what I had lost; my courageous childhood spirit.  You have given me the strength to rebuild what has been so violently ripped apart by your death; my soul, my very being.  In the end, it is the daughter who has taught the father a valuable lesson; to endure; and to live this precious gift of life to the fullest without fear, anger, or regret.  I promise you sweetie, I will try not to let you down.

I am so sad that I have lost you and that I will never be able to hold you again.  But, I am also so happy for the time that we were able to share together; that I was given the opportunity to love you.  Farewell my sweet, sweet girl, my love, Mo Chuisle. You will forever be my Tess……the pulse of my heart.

“May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind be ever at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face;
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again (Tess and Emerson),
May God hold you (both) in the hollow of His hand.”